The Impossible

I’d like a week with no ear infections

A week with no poopie pants inspections

A week with no fevers, vomit, or cough

Ha! Tis impossible, I hear you scoff

But I say twill happen, someday I swear

But I’ll probably be 80 and too old to care.

Things My Kids Said (a.k.a. Why I Drink)

All the “Kidsdom” (wisdom – kid style) I get to enjoy daily.

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12 yr old: I’m so hot from walking home (lifts shirt to cool off). Ohhh, uh-oh, oh, one of my nipples is harder than the other!
Me: (looks up to see son rubbing nipples)

12 yr old: Oh wait, it’s ok, they’re both hard now.

Crisis averted.

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Practicing acts of kindness with my boys.

Me: Let’s try and do something kind for someone today.

12 yr: I did. I pooped AND flushed.

Me: …?

12 yr: You know, so you didn’t have to.

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Me: Why do you always only have 2 pairs of underwear in the laundry?

12 yr old: I’m thinking of you mom, trying to cut down on your work.

Me: Ewww!

12: I turn them inside out!!

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7 yr old: I saw something I want at the store.

Me: What was it?

7 yr old: I’m not exactly sure what it I but the box said Max iPad. Sounds cool.

Me: We need to chat.

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7 year old: When I grow up, I’m going to marry Aly.

Me: Oh, you like her huh?

7 yr old: No, but she never eats all her lunch. Daddy says it’s important to look for ways to save money.

Me: …..?

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(At public pool) “Look Mom, I’m making my own bubbles!!” – age 12

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12 yr old: I like how you smell.

Me: Awww, how sweet.

12 yr old: Ohhh, that fart I just let smells good too.

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Boy conversation in RV park PUBLIC shower:

11 yr old: I need to pee

12 yr old: I just did

11 yr old: look, I’m peeing on the wall!

12 yr old: listen (farts). Ohhh, a wet one!

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Recently, I was exclaiming how happy I was that my pants fit again.

Son: “Yeah but they make your butt look big.”

Me:____

Son: “I mean your hips. They make your hips look big.” – age 12

Ummm, much better?

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“When I grow up, I want to have a monkey and 2 turtles. But I don’t want to like ‘own’ the monkey and feed and pet it, I want to be ‘bro’s’ with it.” – age 12

My son spent the morning assuring me it was pajama day at day camp. It did not say this on the weekly itinerary so I had doubts. “Are you SURE they said it’s pajama day?” He looked at me, rolled his eyes and said “Mommy, I have short term memory loss! Really. I think that is what they said but how would I know?” – age 7

“It’s going to be a really good day. I know because my butthole hurts.” – age 11

“I won’t eat any broken chips, cracked fruit bars or the skin on pickles.” – age 4

“Ewww, the strawberries have pimples. Get them off!” – age 4

“No Mommy, don’t take him!! He’s my friiieeennnndd!” (huge, wet tears because I took away the booger on his finger) – age 3

Career day at school:

Me: Why are you wearing your Iron Man costume for career day?

Son: Because I want to be an ACTRESS (rolls eyes in “duh” style). – age 6

Son to girl he has a crush on, who was over to dinner: “Hahahahah! You have red stuff on your face and something stuck in your teeth. Wow, you sure eat a lot. Beeelllccchhh. ‘Scuse me.” – age 11

Where’s My League??

I’m not a 12 year old boy

Video games I don’t enjoy

Farts are icky

Boogers just sticky

I’m a mom who’s out of her league.

I’ve no desire to kill a worm

Watchin you defy death on your bike makes me squirm

I’ll pass on the poo tasting candy

Nope, don’t think burping your ABC’s comes in handy

I just want to relax, put up my feet

Drink a glass of wine with a chocolate treat.

I’m a mom who’s out of her league.

Ode to Chocolate

Chocolate oh Chocolate

Your name I adore

The sweet taste of your essence

Leaves me panting for more

I thrill in your silky caress

And shiver in your perfect embrace

Until we meet again

And I shove you all in my face.