What MOMMY Wants For Christmas!

I’m not sure what to expect for the holidays this year from my 12, 11 and 7 year old boys. In truth, 12 and 11 year olds are totally too old to still be holding on to the whole “Santa is real” thing, but alas, they are holding so tight, if Santa was real, his fat little belly would explode. I’m keeping up with the charade but let’s be honest, I am finding it really hard not to just blurt out, “Oh seriously dude, Santa is not coming down our chimney and he will NOT bring you a new iPad, because HE’S NOT REAL!”

It’s still cool for my 7 year old to believe, in fact, I’d like him to have a few more years of the holiday magic. But the two older ones, well, once my 12 year old asked when he might start masturbating, I kind of figured Santa was out the window. Joke’s on me! I’m actually looking forward to the day I can get him in on the fun. He can be in charge of the creepy-ass Elf on the Shelf and he can help put out the Santa gifts at 1am, when his brother usually finally conks out from having gotten up every 8 minutes for the past 4 hours, to check and see if Santa has come. Then I’ll plan to wake my 12 year old at 5am and make him come downstairs to open his gifts; and no nap that day. He can have all the fun, while I relax in the bath with some cookies we baked for Santa and a good book. But, I digress.

Since I still have to do the whole Santa thing for the boys again this year, I figured I would add my own gift list to the pile, in hopes that someone might review it and be so kind as to indulge ME this year.

What Mommy Wants:

  1. I’d like for my 12 year old to give me the silent treatment for one day. No really, punish me – PLEASE.
  2. A foot rub. And before anyone complains they JUST gave me one, a foot rub that’s longer than the 2.34 seconds of bliss I recently received.
  3. My panty liners to stay in the box. I know they ended up making the most awesome “butterfly art” for your girlfriend down the street, but let’s keep our crafts sanitary napkin free (and her mom thought it was pretty weird, so now we have that going for us).
  4. Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.
  5. Someone to play a game of Scrabble with me. Just one game and I promise to forget I majored in English.
  6. An afternoon of baking in the kitchen, while holiday music plays and I sip Bailey’s coffee. Then someone to come and clean it all up.
  7. For the Elf on the Shelf to have a heart attack and pass away. I’ll even go so far as to have a proper funeral.
  8. I’d like to take a bath without someone coming in to:
  • Tell on their brother for trying to fill their new whoopee cushion with actual farts.
  • “See if I’m ok,” then laughing because I have bubbles on my boobs and calling me “Bubble Boobs” the rest of the night.
  • Hang out. Seriously, it’s just weird.
  • Ask what time it is. Guys, there are 15 clocks in the house, none of which are in MY BATHROOM!

I could go on but those would be my top wishes. Honestly, I don’t think I am asking for much, given everything I do for everyone else, (HELLO, house full of testosterone – toilets, walls, doors and ceilings don’t clean themselves of the pee!) and the fact that I do (most) of it without complaint. I think anyone would agree a little complaining is fair, when your kid comes out of the bathroom, holding his underwear and says, “I ran out of toilet paper so I used these. I was trying to be nice and let you enjoy your book so I didn’t call for toilet paper. Here.”

So this is the list I have given my boys and husband. I expect I’ll get the chocolate. I’ve already taken care of the Bailey’s coffee.

 

 

 

 

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